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Ch 1: Infidelity
Ch 2: Mental illness
Ch 3: Different religions
Ch 4: Money troubles
Ch 5: Outside people
Ch 6: Infertility
Ch 7: Abuse
Ch 8: Growing apart
Ch 9: Parenting
Ch 10: Young & married
Ch 11: Incarceration
Ch 12: Sick spouse
Ch 13: Sex
Ch 14: Losing myself
Ch 15: My love story

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Ch 2. A partner with a mental illness, Lola’s Story

Everyone handles trauma differently.

That’s what the psychiatrist sitting across from me told me as i was trying to processes my diagnoses.

PTSD, I had went there for help. I had trouble sleeping …after my very troubled childhood sleeping became a very complicated task…I would wake up in the middle of the night screaming at the top of my lungs. Or if I was lucky enough to get a good night’s sleep I would wake up not remembering where I was or thinking I was 10 years old again. I knew this wasn’t normal so I was trying to get help…but putting a label on it made it too real. I walked out of there with my new label and my new prescription for what I called happy pills. I never went back to see her. After a few months of feeling sorry for myself. I told myself no one would know if I just acted normal…I was in college and I had a set of rules for myself to follow…rule number one no roommates. At my school if you paid a little extra money you were awarded the luxury of not having to share your dorm room with anyone. So I took out an extra loan. Rule number 2 no sleep overs/overnights the dating scene wasn’t really for me to begin with even my small sexual endeavors were cut short and possibly disappointed some of my lovers as I got dressed quickly afterwards and headed for the door…usually leaving them with questions and wondering if I was even interested in them in the first place…I had told myself I was better off alone.

But Aaron was different

He didn’t seem interested in what was in my pants but that was all i was willing to offer. It was all I knew. “Let me take you out”…a phrase I had never heard before my first real date …I was excited …I got all dressed up and put on my favorite perfume… I just knew id get him that night… I didn’t we went out to the movies like a bunch of friends and I definitely had fun but since he didn’t want to get in my pants I had placed him in the friend zone… he must not be that into me I told myself.

After 6 months of friendship and going out and having a blast I started feeling something for this man that I had never felt before and I really couldn’t explain. And one night after a movie we kissed… it was very clear to me that we were not friends anymore. This scared me.. I didn’t know how to feel or how to handle a real relationship.. It consisted of things that I wasn’t too accustomed to trust, honesty, loyalty, or commitment…the only person I’ve ever been committed to was myself and I damn sure liked it that way.

 I have to end this I told myself as I got ready for yet another romantic date he planned. I remember every detail of that night because it turned out to be both the best and the worst night of my life. By this time I had moved out of the dorms and into my own apartment. He picked me up and we went out to eat at our favorite spot, Hollywood grill. I was nervous and felt bad about having to break things off with him but I felt it was best for the both of us…best for him because then he wouldn’t be brought into my mess of a life and my craziness I had to bring…he was in love with me..but he didn’t know me…I felt like a shiny used car that looked good on the outside but was truly broken on the inside. And I really wasn’t trying to sell this man a we sat and talked I found it hard to concentrate on the conversation trying to put into words a peaceful separation… I went over in my head the ” its not you its me” conversation and I realized none of it made sense. We were great together and he was honestly a great friend to have around…I decided to order dessert to give me more time to think I eventually decided on the lets just be friends route …. But before I could start he sensed something was wrong and requested we changed the scenery.. we went to an arcade and had a great time it lightened my spirits and I forgot all about breaking up with him… we stayed out really late later than usual and on the ride home……I fell asleep

We were on the bus headed home and i fell asleep… to you that might not be a big deal but for me this was devastating everything I ever feared was about to come true and Aaron was completely unaware of what was about to happen next. I fell asleep in his lap and as he watched me sleep for the last time in our relationship everything was normal…but then we got to our stop and he tried to wake me up. My body started to twitch tears fell from my eyes and I began to cry he started to ask me what was wrong I began to swing punches at him and scream for him to let me go …if anyone was on that bus that night they would have thought he had kidnapped me . i broke out into a sweat and in the mist of my horrible dream all I could hear was Aarons voice asking me to please open my eyes …I opened my eyes and realized I was still on the bus… I tried to gather myself and my thoughts and feelings but I knew it was too secret was out..Aaron now knows im crazy and probably won’t talk to me ever again… it was probably for the best the only thing I hope is that he kept it to himself and didn’t tell anyone… he picked my hat up off the bus floor and put it on my head asking if I was ok…I’m fine.. I said just a bad dream…“Lola that was more than a bad dream he pressed” you were fighting me like I was a nigga on the street..i told him once again that I was fine and he dropped it we walked in silence the rest of the way…when we got to my place he hugged me and said “I don’t know what’s bothering you” but it will be okay. He kissed me and that was that…I ignored his calls for the next 6 days I didn’t text back and I thought he would get the picture and leave me alone…but he didn’t, he showed up at my place one day coming from work and good thing he did. The distance from him was killing me I had started to miss him so much that I would cry anytime I thought of him but I was helping him I told myself I was doing what was best for me…and him…and us… he was waiting on me at my gate when I got home “can we talk?” he said in a stern voice….i said okay and let him in .. I offered him something to drink and he declined patting the sofa motioning for me to sit down…I didn’t I just stood there frozen.. He took a deep breath and asked me what I wanted from him..i didn’t understand the question…. “there’s something going on with you and you won’t tell me what it is” I really care about you otherwise I would just let you go but I can’t do that …because I love you… those words broke me down into tears and he came and hugged me.. I cried my eyes out on his shirt till it was soaking wet and he didn’t ask any questions he just held me when I calmed down he kissed me and told me I could cry like that on him anytime I wanted to…anytime I needed to…“I’m not going anywhere whether you like it or not” he said this to me looking me directly in my eyes. We made passionate love that night. But the next morning like clockwork I woke up scared and crying but this time I didn’t know where I was or who Aaron was next to me…I was in my 10 year old mind …I jumped out of bed and started getting dressed fast. Aaron woke up and saw me getting dressed …“babe its Saturday no work today come back to bed”… I grabbed a curtain rod that was on the floor and told him to stay away from me…he instantly panicked….“babe what’s wrong?” …but I wouldn’t let him get near me w

“Who are you I said and where is my book bag?“…“book bag?. What are you talking about Lola?”

What’s wrong? You’re acting like you don’t know me”…“I don’t I told him inching away from him”

His eyes widened and he grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911 he started asking me questions…“do you know your name and how old you are?“…“what’s todays date?…where are you? He told the cops on the phone what was going on and they came and took me to the hospital…I snapped out of it on the ride to the hospital and told them I was fine I just hadn’t taken my medicine they decided to let me go on the condition I would make an appointment with my psychologist I agreed and they let me go …Aaron was still there when they released me waiting for me outside. “what is wrong with this guy?” I thought to myself as I walked slowly towards him. Because if I was him id run for the hills after seeing some shit like that. he was standing there holding my purse and coat and I remember saying to myself in that moment “he looks like he’s my husband or something” I got to him and he put my coat on me and took my hand and he took me home we stayed silent the whole way there and as we got closer to my apartment I no longer wanted him around. I hoped he’d just take me home and leave but I knew better than that. We got to my apartment and when we got in he made me some tea and I just sat there frozen. He handed me a cup and finally said “talk”…“about what?” I said playing dumb. Then he got stern “I’m trying to make this work I’m trying to be there for you and I’m trying to understand but I can’t do that if you won’t let me in.” I was shocked “you still want to be in?” he let out a deep breath “I told you last night I’m not going nowhere I love you why don’t you believe me?” I rolled my eyes “it’s much deeper than that” I said in a snappy attitude. “Try me” he said leaning back on the couch making himself comfortable showing he wasn’t going to let it go. I stared at him for a few seconds longer and then said fine what do I have to lose and quite frankly I was tired of hiding all this anyway. I let it all out and told him everything…my horrible childhood and my diagnosis. He listened quietly and carefully nodding every now and then letting me know he understood what was being said. And when I was done I felt a big weight being lifted off my shoulders it was no longer my problem it was our problem and it felt good to have someone to share it with someone else who could help me manage things and make more sense of my life. When I was done he hugged me and said he was sorry that I felt like I had to go through all of this alone and he promised that as long as he was around he would never let anyone hurt me. He told me as long as he was around I never had to be alone anymore. He left that day and packed all his things and moved in with me at my apartment within the week. Him being there changed so much I stopped having nightmares and started dreaming about him about us and our future together and I just felt safe around him I stopped waking up in the middle of the night as much and I was only having my time lapse spells once a week…after 5 months they were gone completely I could sleep all through the night and I woke up happy and protected .he was like my knight in shining armor my doctor my medicine and my healing. I truly believe he was sent from god for me and I thank god for my husband every day. I still don’t know why this man decided to stay after going through all of that and waking up in the middle of the night those countless nights holding me letting me cry on him assuring me I was safe with him. But I’m glad he did.


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